I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Randomize
