how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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