Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize