i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
