After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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