I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
