I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
