My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
