Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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