i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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