You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
