Old men and throwing up are my life now.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
