..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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