The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
