Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
