listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
