he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
