We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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