Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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