Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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