i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
and you fell through a lawn chair
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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