Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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