OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
