i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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