my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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