It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
