Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
smell my finger.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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