Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
