drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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