I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
