Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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