My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
