i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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