like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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