ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
