I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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