tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
