I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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