I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I think your dad took our porno
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
