im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
