I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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