her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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