It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
