did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
