My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize