If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
