she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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