Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
