Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize