Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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