My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
