you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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