Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Come see our sink grown plant.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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