I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
