i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
