then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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