I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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