an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
