his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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