I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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