Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
