I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize