I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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