Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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