Who wears a wallet chain?!
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
