I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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