So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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