No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize