I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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