SEEEEXXX PLEASE
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
